Porn Novice

If you were to stand a hetero couple side by side which person do you think the title refers to?  I’d say 90% would assume the female in the relationship is the porn novice.  Yesterday I learned something very interesting about my husband of 15 years:  he’s porn clueless.  Actually, it’s like he lives in a porn vacuum, a time warp.

In the past 6 months we both agree that I have hit my sexual peak. We are having sex more frequently than ever.  We’re having mind blowing orgasms.  We have DAY sex.  We even put our kids in front of a movie and tell them we’re going to take a “nap.”  We lock the door and devour each other.  It’s been awesome for both of us.  Yesterday we found ourselves alone in the house and my husband was eager for me to finish some household task  so that we could have uninterrupted sex before going out.  I don’t remember how we got on the topic, but he said something about licking my ass.  And then we both laughed and joked around about “anal tongue darts.”

I said something about “everyone loving it,” but in real life it’s kind of gross.  Some serious scrubbing and washing needed to happen before I’d feel comfortable with that.  My husband said “what do you mean ‘everyone loves it?'” I clarified that it seems to be in every porn I watch. Yes, I think it’s totally hot, but then there’s the reality of it being an asshole.  He pauses and I can see his mind going, “When have you seen it in porn?”  I respond, “Um, well, sometimes I watch porn.”  As is usual, and maddening to me, my husband goes off on a tangent and said something like “yeah, we’ve not really watched much porn together.  But it would be too difficult anyway because we don’t own any.”

What the FUCK?!  There are so many layers to his response.  First, he glazes right over that I watch ass-licking porn.  And then says we don’t watch it because we DON’T OWN ANY?!  Honey, sweetie, um, who does OWN any?  My face could not hide my confusion and bafflement.   Forehead scrunched up, eyes narrow and coming together, almost a frown on my lips.  What do you mean?  “Well, I mean unless we went to like a video shop and bought some or rented some.”  What    the    FUCK?  (Trying hopelessly not to sound like a bitch.)  It’s called THE INTERNET.  Hon, no one buys porn.  You just watch it on the internet.  “Oh, no, those are just clips. And they’re really grainy.”  Again, insert a big fat WTF right here?!  Actually, not true, I just watched a nice, hot, fully satisfying 25 minute one in HD two days ago!  Really.  For real.  “Well I like the ones with a plot.  You know, the classics, like Debbie Does Dallas and Deep Throat.”  Sweetie, there’s a category for that.  You can actually choose “vintage porn” or “plot porn” and there’s even a category called “porn for women” and it often includes porn with plot lines because women tend to like that.  (And, p.s. I think it’s totally okay and cool that he like plot porn).

I look around to see if we’re in the Twilight Zone or on some hidden camera show.  Holy fucking shit.  Am I teaching my husband about porn?  Yes, yes I am.  I’m still flabbergasted.  Awhile later I said, “so wait, like you really don’t watch porn?  Really?  You travel for work all the time.  What do you do in your hotel room.”  He says, “same thing I do at home. Watch SNL clips.”  It’s true, every night he’s laying in the dark with headphones in watching comedy clips and laughing over and over to himself.  Some argue that porn can tear apart a relationship.  Guess what:  watching SNL on your phone with headphones in and sighing if your partner tries to ask you a question is a much quicker way to tear apart a relationship.  But that’s another post.

This conversation has brought up so many thoughts and reflections about myself, about my relationship.  Most of us grew up with porn as a taboo subject. I knew my parents watched porn. But as was common back then, no one ever talked to me about it.  I feel strongly that my experiences of sneaking their porn ‘sexually imprinted’ me.  And I spent many years wondering if I was gay because my fantasies always went to the scenes of the first porn I ever saw which was girl on girl.  Now I’ve learned that whatever your first experience of arousal is (positive or negative), your brain automatically goes to that place when trying to achieve climax.  This is the definition of sexual imprinting.  If it was a negative experience, it may inhibit your ability to climax or lead to deviant sexual behavior.  But cognitive therapy can help to reprint your brain!   I don’t categorize my experience as negative.  But it did lead to confusion.  I’m definitely bent.  But I really like cocks!

There has always been a slight amount of awkwardness or tentativeness in my sexual relationship with my husband.   I’ve always hidden the fact that I watch porn.  Pretty funny considering I watched porn EVERY SINGLE DAY during the last two trimesters of one of my pregnancies.  And my husband had no idea.  I felt like I had testosterone flowing through my body.  Yep, that baby was a boy.   Because I sometimes watch it, I assumed he does, too.  It’s such a pervasive part of our society today.  But, really, this uncovers a much deeper issue in our relationship:  the fact that I’ve never felt 100% comfortable being myself.  The fact that I am not 100% upfront and honest about what I like, who I am.

We both agreed that we should try watching some together.  Later that night I said I was thankful he didn’t watch porn.  He said “why?”  I said because it can be really damaging and ruin relationships.  This may or may not be a fair statement coming from the “porn expert” of the household.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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