*A few months ago I made a new friend, Ali. I sought her out because I discovered she was newly divorced. I was intrigued not only by the separation (which I had been considering for myself for some time), but because, at the time, Ali was seeing someone she had dated in college. I was having a cyber affair with someone from college. I can’t say someone I dated because we never dated, Mark was a one-night-stand. (To this day I have a hard time actually saying his name because I don’t know if other than him telling me his name I had ever uttered it to him. It’s a weird feeling. Obviously I know his name, but because we never had a relationship, I never used his name on a regular basis. I digress!) I’m going to quote Ali right here with the best way to describe what is going on in my life and in my brain right now. The first night she and I got together to talk I told her about my marriage problems and my cyber affair with Mark. She asked, “How old are you?” I said I was almost 41. She got a big smile on her face and said “Oh! So you’re coming in HOT!” It’s true, I’ve entered my forties with a a deep desire for change. I want change so much that it physically hurts. I want a career, I want to travel again, I want to have new sexual experiences with new people, I want my life with my kids to be peaceful and happy. I would like life with my husband to feel peaceful, easy, care-free and happy, too. I also wish he would allow me to sow some wild oats and have some new experiences while I’m still healthy and attractive and I would allow him the same. I’ll be very clear that an open marriage would not solve all of our problems. There’s so much more to the story.
Today I’m letting readers in on a day inside my brain. A brain that is very confused, conflicted, busy, horny, funny, good, bad, honest, dishonest, loving and loathing. Here’s a sample from my brain with some artistic liberties taken by combining several days worth of thoughts into one.
Sex. – Divorce. – I want to go back to school. – Ugh, no coffee is made? Fucker. – What should we have for dinner? – Crap ! I need to do xyz for kid #3’s class. – I wish I hadn’t said yes to so much volunteer shit. – Time to wipe a butt. – I need a shower! – Shit, I forgot ______. – I wish I was in an open marriage. – You have a poopy? Let’s change it. Why do other people’s kids poops smell so much worse than my own? – I need a new therapist to talk about all this shit with. – Damn, I really want to have sex with Mark. – Damn, I wish there was SOMEONE else I fantasized about. – I love Ellen! – I love Justin Timberlake, too. – I wish we were all friends, that would be SO MUCH FUN! – Sex.- Wait, Chip is coming to Charlotte, too, I always wanted to hook up with him. – He is married, but so am I, so maybe? – We always said we would get married if neither of us had any prospects by the time we were 30.(Who cares now that we’re 41?)- I’m definitely going to see Tommy the Hottie who Needs my Body when I’m in Charlotte, but he’s probably fat. – I don’t want to break Tom’s heart, I can tell it’s fragile since his divorce. – Oh, and I’m married and I can’t talk my husband into an open marriage.- Sex.- I love my Shibari vibrator so so much! – Time to wipe another butt. – I need to schedule____________. – I need to make a grocery list. – I kind of want to take the summer off anyway, regardless of how hard he’s “trying.” – Time to go hang up some laundry because we can’t use the dryer and be “average Americans.” – I miss our cat. – I’m so lonely.- I just need out of this house. Divorce. – My hair is so gray and dull.- How in the hell would you support yourself if you did leave this summer?- You have GOT to go back to school.- Spring Break should be fun. – We travel well together despite me wanting to shred him when we’re at home. – Time for lunch.- Maybe I’ll get on Tinder when I go to Charlotte. – If I’m not fucking Mark, I sure as fuck am fucking someone. – Jeeze, Jocelyn, what the fuck is wrong with you? – You’re fucking married. And married to someone who has already told you that an open marriage is not happening. – Dear Sugars, Please help!- If I do go on Tinder I wish I could confirm penis size first. I’m not wasting an infidelity on some shrimp dick. – Shit! Make the fucking appointment for an IUD! – I want to go to Hawaii or Mexico or Thailand. I just need a tropical vacation. That would solve everything! Ha ha! – I love The Lumineers. – I love The Avett Brothers. – I love Brandi Carlile. – I’m so happy I have music in my life. – Gratitude. – I need more of that.- If I do write to the Sugars, where would I even start? Too many tangled problems to ask one question.-….
My thoughts are varied with many plot lines that have yet to be explained in this blog. This is my life right now.
*Names and places have have been changed to protect the innocent and guilty.